What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 14:19
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I have no regrets .
Comes on , in middle age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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I was very sick at this time too.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Can a mother forget her child after she puts him or her up for adoption?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i do to all so called friends.?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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Why did i forgive my father ?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
When she asked me how she looked .
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I never cut or harmed myself..
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I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
What do you remember that 95% of us have forgotten?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was 9 years of age.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why did my ex move on so fast, we have only been broken up for 2 weeks?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My family never makes their pension either.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot live in the past .
He knew the spot.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She loved him until the end.
We all went to grammer schools
I will be 64.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I think the readers, may guess!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So whats the point in blame.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She wouldn,t have been !
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She was in good health!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I said to her
My life is so biszare .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But it wasn’t much.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im still living with it.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She married twice! .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
It was going to be , some day.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But ive been too sick for many years..
I couldn’t, believe it.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was seconnd youngest,
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Especially a lifetime of it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She found it foreign!.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I waited trembling.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
All the time i was locked up.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Who then, do I blame.?
So, i spoilt her more .
I was scared of men, in general
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I write beautiful poetry .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ive learnt so much.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Would this be the day?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Put me off passion for life!!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
This is soul school!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But, we were locked up after school.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He resisted the act ,that day.
And i lived it daily.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We were not on the streets..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
What did i know ?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!